Arundhati Roy and Maoists.

Salil Tripathi, in his piece Maostan of Arundhati Roy for Mint, nails Arundhati Roy. Figuratively, of course.

Fascination with Maoism is beyond moral sensibility. It is a parallel universe, where recalling Gandhian hunger strikes evokes hysterical laughter; where poor treatment of women in the forests is equated with their poor treatment in the cities. This takes moral equivalency to a new low. This is amoral nihilism.

Introducing myself.

As you know, Pune Mirror ran a two-part series of the post Pune IPL team rules. Here is part one and two.

I was asked to write a piece about how the post went viral (it did), but more so to credit the original creators, who were traced after the post was published.

The e-paper version is here. I don’t care much about it, because I know writing for a blog is the only thing I am capable of — atleast for a few more decades. Regardless, I spent time and wrote the entire thing for free because I wanted this one line published :

Deepak Iyer, author of iyerdeepak.wordpress.com is a social media analyst, a Punekar who now lives in California and works for a fruit company.

Hah !

(Too bad if you don’t have the same sense of humour)

You would hate this post.

Do you know Hrithik Roshan lent his voice for a song in Kites, and that the music album releases tomorrow ?

Yeah well, I too don’t care. But look at this sentence :

The 36-year-old actor’s debut song, Kites in the Sky, composed music by Rajesh Roshan would be released tomorrow along with other songs of the film.

There are many things wrong with it. First, ‘composed music by Rajesh Roshan’ — plain wrong. And then, my pet peeve : ‘Would be released’. The article is attributed to PTI, which makes it worse. I would expect a respected news organization to know the difference between ‘will’ and ‘would’.

From my limited understanding, ‘would’ is used to denote a possible event. The possibility is usually implied or stated explicitly. Will, on the other hand, is for a certainty. So I ‘will’ go to work tomorrow but I ‘would’ not go to work tomorrow. I might be missing corner cases, but you get the gist.

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Since we are at this topic, there is another pair — shall and will. If you don’t know the exact difference between the two, I’d strongly recommend sticking to will. The world doesn’t come crashing down if ‘shall’ isn’t used at all, but it might if ‘shall’ is overused instead of ‘will’.

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Now I don’t think of myself as a suicide bomber for the Grammar Taliban, and I clearly know when I care about semantics and language. Language, for me, remains a mode of communication. Further, not everyone was fortunate to have English as their first language or even study English. It’s not funny just to hear someone speak in broken English. I find it morally incorrect to take note of errors in such cases. But when a person is writing a book, an article, a news piece for the PTI, I don’t think it is incorrect to expect them to know the basics — because they are asking for their writing to be judged.

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All that being said, I am sure I make mistakes too. In case you see errors at this blog, you must write back with comments.

Rights and Sena.

Some prominent citizens of Bombay wrote to the state government to curb the growing menace of the Senas. In response, this is what a Sena spokesperson had to say :

“Why these double standards by the so-called prominent citizens? What do they have to say about Kasab? What is their stand on MF Husain’s painting Hindu Goddesses nude and what about many other political parties who indulge in anti-national activities?” asked Shiv Sena spokesperson and Rajya Sabha MP Bharatkumar Raut.

“If these people have not taken a stand on these issues, then they have no right to question the Sena,” Raut added.

For the sake of atleast some coherence, I’ll only concentrate on the last line. In the past, the Senas have said of celebrities that they had no right to talk about politics. They even went ahead and said that Sachin shouldn’t be talking politics.

Here’s my problem — For a political party that is supposed to serve (not rule, mind you) the people, it is scary that they use the word ‘rights’ in such a loose manner. When we were kids, we all made statements like : He called me so-and-so, I have every right to beat him. We, thankfully, moved on to understand what rights really mean. Some kids didn’t. Which is why we see statements like the above. A minor irony is that a right-wing party knows least about rights.

I’d love to grill such people on the rights that being an Indian implies. Of course, they might realize that many of the rights they assume to exist in our constitution, in fact don’t exist at all. They might even conclude that they’re totally screwed living in a country like India, where they cannot follow their ideals. What is worse is that they wouldn’t even be able to burn buses or break glasses to vent their frustration.

But it would be so much fun nah ?

Medical miracle at Everest.

In the past, I wrote about Dr. Ken Kamler, the only doctor on Mt. Everest during the 1996 Everest disaster. He spoke at TED recently, recalling the incident. If you haven’t seen it, you must. Here is the link.

Hearing about the 1996 incident gives me goosebumps every single time. As the saying goes, Miracles do happen, when the human spirit takes over. When it comes to stories of escape and heroism in the mountains, I find it hard to judge one to be better than the other. That is because once the human spirit takes over, I do not think there is a limit to endurance. The mind is in total control, and the body is a slave with little or no say. If it sounds like I am romanticizing the feeling of mind over matter, that is far from true. The few times I have experienced it, it was not pleasant. Every moment is like a harsh curse; and yet the mind keeps it going — if you’re lucky — until it is all over. All mountaineers and climbers know what they are signing up for, and I suspect the feeling of mind over matter is what they yearn for.

******

I haven’t gone for a serious hike since the last major one that was Mt. Whitney. I still go to the mountains to ski, but hiking is way more special. Especially hiking at high altitude, where the air is thin. I experienced it 6 times last year (once for each 14er I completed) and I can’t wait to go back to a 14er to experience high altitude again. Not the peak, not the hike, just the thin air.

It is addictive.

Logical fallacy and pre-marital sex.

The Supreme Court recently ruled that live-in relationships and pre-marital sex cannot be treated as an offence. Like, duh !

But BJP MP Rama Jois — a former Chief Justice and Governor — likes it not :

Quoting from scriptures, he said one of the nine directives of dharma prescribed by Mahabharata was “Prajanseveshu dareshu” one should procure children only under wedlock which by necessary implication bars pre-marital sexual activity between man and woman, he said.

Classic fallacy. Since protection wasn’t available those days, and pregnancy out of wedlock was frowned upon (unless of course, you were a character in the Mahabharata), it implied that pre-marital sex wasn’t feasible.

I am not sure if scriptures would have been the same had Pyaar hua ikraar hua been released a few centuries earlier.

IPL post in Pune Mirror.

The IPL Pune team rules post found a mention in today’s Pune Mirror (e-paper link here – PDF). So if you read this blog, but you didn’t read that post for some random reason, you can read it if you get hold of a copy of the Pune Mirror.

But damn those brats for not just copying the post, but also crediting me. I wish they’d not have credited me. Then I would’ve been the victim, earned some publicity, had me 15 seconds of fame — after all, I deeply care about the writes of righters. I could’ve been anointed as an asli blogger, not one of the bloggers no one cares about. Damn those Pune Mirror folks !

Link via Veda A.

Delhi in Pakistan.

The government goofed on yet another advertisement. This time, Delhi was in Pakistan and Kolkata in the sea (eating phish, I presume). This is what a BJP leader had to say :

“Earlier also the UPA government had goofed with an ad where a Pakistani official was shown–all I can say as far issues of the country are concerned, UPA is very non serious,” said BJP leader, Sumitra Mahajan.

The statement is unacceptable on two counts :

1. She is clearly infringing on the negative rights of bloggers. This was a perfect setting for bloggers to poke fun at someone, and the BJP is trying to hijack it.

2. It makes no effing sense ! At most, the ones to blame are some intern at the advertising firm who was surfing an adult website while doing this (the map, I mean) or the boytoy of some babu who was asked to run an errand while he was finishing up his task.

In a way, I am saddened that this is how low the BJP has to stoop to get across their agenda of security. But if they repeatedly haven’t been able to encash on the failures of the UPA, they are themselves to blame.

Another song from across the border.

The pragmatist in me didn’t think much of the message; the musician in me took note of the off-key singers at higher notes; but for some reason, I really like this song. I think it’s the simplicity.

Link via Xeb.

IPL Pune team rules.

The Indian Premier League was where cricket met Bollywood. With Pune getting its own team, IPL also meets Puneri Marathi. Pune is known for its sarcastic and most of the time, downright rude signboards. Puneri Patya has a great compilation of those. Pu. La. Deshpande put it best in his essay Mumbaikar, Punekar ki Nagpurkar when he said : Puneri Marathi is about maximizing insult in the minimum possible words. (As the blog FAQs say, I too owe much of my sharp tongue to Pune, where I was raised. Anyone I know can vouch for this.)

Today, I got an e-mail forward of IPL signboards and rules in Puneri Marathi. I wanted to translate it to English so everyone could enjoy it. Since the mail was fairly long, I crowd-sourced the translation via Twitter. The translators are Nikhil Apte, Fake Bal Thakre, Neeraj Sane and yours truly. We have tried to retain as much value as we could, while adding some. If you are not satisfied with the translation, in assal Puneri language : Do not bother the authors with your complaints. If you have any issues, please come up with your own translation and post it somewhere.

If you wrote the original e-mail, please write to me and take due credit.
Update : The original author of the Puneri Marathi list has been traced to a blogger who goes by the moniker Chota Don. His post is here. Thanks to commenter AD.
The jersey has been designed by Vedang Bagwe.

This is the only time I will be using a hideously large font (for better readability of Devnagari script).

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*ह्या पाट्या आहेत त्या’मैदानावरच्या’ …..

Signboards at the stadium

१. सामन्याची वेळ तुमच्या तिकिटावर छापलेली आहे, उगाच कधीही येऊन गर्दी करु नये.

The match timings are printed in bold letters on your ticket. Do not crowd this place by showing up whenever you please.

२. सामन्याच्या वेळेच्या आधी ३० मिनिटे मैदानात प्रवेश दिला जाईल, तुम्ही गडबड केल्याने सामना लवकर सुरु होणार नाही.

Entry begins 30 minutes before the match and not before that. Your haste will not ‘prepone’ the match.

३. खुर्चीचा वापर फक्त बसण्यासाठीच करावा… एका खुर्चीवर एकच !

Chairs are strictly meant for sitting ONLY. And only one person on each chair please.

४. मैदानात पिण्यासाठी (साध्या) पाण्याची व्यवस्था केली आहे, थंड तसेच फिल्टर्ड पाणी आपण दिलेल्या तिकिटाच्या पैशात मिळणार नाही, उगाचच आयोजकांकडे हट्ट धरु नये.

Only tap water will be provided inside. The price of chilled or filtered water is not included in your ticket. Do not bring such silly complaints to the organizers.

५. मैदानावरचे कॅमेरे हे सामन्याच्या हालचाली टिपण्यासाठी आहेत, उगाच हिडीस चाळे करुन त्यांचे लक्ष वेधण्याचा प्रयत्न करु नये.

The cameras in the stadium are only to record and telecast the match. Do not try to distract the cameraman with your silly gestures.

६. आपण पुण्यासारख्या एका सुसंस्कृत शहरात एका सार्वजनिक ठिकाणी सामना पहात आहोत ह्याचे भान ठेऊन चियरलिडर्सना खाणाखुणा करु नये किंवा त्यांच्याकडे डोळे फाडुन बघुन लाज आणु नये. अश्लील चाळे कराल तर नुसतीच पोलीस कारवाई नाही तर धिंड काढण्यात येईल.

Please remember that you are watching the match in a city that is the epitome of culture. Do not bring disgrace to Pune by making lewd gestures or ogling at the cheerleaders. Such acts will be met with not just police action, but also with public humiliation.

७. फुंके ( सिगारेट, बिड्या, चिलीम ), थुंके ( तंबाखु, गुटका, मावा, पान ) आणि शिंके ( तपकीर आणि स्वाईन फ्ल्युग्रस्त ) ह्यांना मैदानात मज्जाव.

Smokers (cigarettes, bidis), Spitters (tobacco, gutkha, paan) and Sneezers (snuff inhalers and swine flu carriers) prohibited.

८. मैदानात दारु विक्री केली जात नाही, मैदानात दारु पिऊ दिली जात नाही, मैदानात बाहेरुन दारु पिऊन आल्यास प्रवेश मिळणार नाही.

Sale of alcohol is forbidden, bringing alcohol is forbidden and entry when drunk is forbidden.

९. मैदानात विकत मिळणार्‍या खाद्यपदार्थांची आवरणे, पिशव्या तसेच पाणी किंवा शितपेयाच्या बाटल्या मैदानात फेकु नयेत, बाटलीवरुन खेळाडु घसरुन पडुन जखमी होऊ शकतो ह्याची किमान जाण ठेवावी.

Do not throw any kind of waste (paper, plastic, cans) into the playing field. Be aware that players can slip and injure themselves.

१०. सामन्याच्या वेळी खेळाडुंना पाठिंबा देताना हळु आवाजात आरडाओरड करावी. हा क्रिकेटचा सामना आहे, तमाशाचा फड नव्हे !

During a match, keep your voice low when cheering for your team. This is a cricket stadium, not a fish market or a tamasha.

११. अनोळखी वस्तुंना स्पर्श करु नये … व्यक्तींसह !

Do not touch unknown objects… or people!

१२. मैदानातील मोठ्ठे पंखे फक्त दुपारी आणि गर्दी असलेल्या ठिकाणीच लावण्यात येतील. पंख्याखाली बसण्यासाठी मोठ्ठ्या आवाजात भांडण करुन आयोजकांना त्रास देऊ नये.

The stadium fans will be turned on in the afternoon, and in crowded stands only. Do not argue loudly with the organizers just because you want to sit under the nearest fan.

१३. स्त्रियांचे स्वच्छतागॄह, खेळाडूंचे पॅव्हेलियन, चियरलिडर्स पोडियम, व्हीआयपी गॅलरी, पत्रकार कक्ष इत्यादी ठिकाणी उगाच जास्त घुटमळु नये.

Do not loiter needlessly near the ladies restrooms, players’ pavilion, cheerleaders’ podium, VIP gallery, press box, etc.

14. सामन्यातील कसल्याही घटनेचा ( सामना हरणे, षटकार मारणे, धावबाद होणे, झेल टाकुन देणे वगैरे ) राग खुर्च्यांवर काढु नये.

Do not vent your anger at any incident (losing the match, run-out, sixer, dropped catch, etc.) on the stadium chairs.

15. सामना पहायला आलेल्या प्रेक्षकांचे खेडाळु, चियरलिडर्स, व्हीआयपी यांच्याबरोबर अथवा खेळपट्टी, पत्रकारकक्ष, समालोचन खोली, पॅव्हेलियन, व्हीआयपे बॉक्स इथे ‘फोटु काढुन मिळणार नाहीत’ किंवा त्याला परवानगी दिली जाणार नाही.

The audience is forbidden from snapping photos with players, cheerleaders, VIPs or at the pitch, press box, pavilion, VIP box, etc. Permission for the same will not be granted.

16. सामन्याच्या वेळेदरम्यान तुटलेल्या चपला, कापलेले खिसे, मोडलेला चष्मा, हरवलेली पर्स, गायब झालेला मोबाईल ह्यांची जबाबदारी आयोजकांकडे राहणार नाही. समोरच पोलीस स्टेशन आहे, तिकडे जाऊन तक्रार करावी.

Management cannot be held responsible for your stolen purses, lost mobiles or broken spectacles. There is a police station nearby. Take your complaints there.

17. हे पुणं आहे, शिमला नव्हे, उन्हाळ्यात गरम होणारच, पण म्हणुन मैदानात सामना पहायला शर्ट काढुन बसु नव्हे. अशा निर्लज्ज प्रेक्षकांना बाहेर काढले जाईल.

This is Pune, not Shimla. It is obvious that summers will be very hot. This does not mean you can take off your shirt. Such indecent spectators will be thrown out of the stadium.

18. पाऊस पडल्यास पैसे परत मिळणार नाहीत, कॄपया हवामानखात्याशी सल्लामसलत करुन मगच तिकिट काढावे.

The ticket price will not be refunded in case of rain. Please check with the meteorological department before you buy your tickets.

19. परदेशी खेळाडुंच्या अंगचटीला जाऊ नये तसेच त्यांना स्थानिक भाषेत गलिच्छ आणि अश्लील शिव्या देऊन वेडावुन दाखवु नयेत. ते आपले अतिथी आहेत, आपण घरात पाहुण्यांशी असे वागतो का ?

Do not needlessly rush to make bodily contact with the foreign players, or pass lewd remarks at them in the local language. They are our guests. Do we behave like this with guests in our own home?

20. राजकीय नेते, सरकारी अधिकारी, स्थानिक दादा ह्यांचा वशिला लाऊन फुकट पास मागु नये. परवडत नसल्यास झाडावर चढुन सामना पहावा.

Do not ask for ‘free passes’ just because you know a politician, government official or a local goon. If you can’t afford tickets, climb on nearby trees and enjoy the match.

21. खेळाडूंना गाढव, माकड असल्या कुठल्याही प्राण्यांच्या उपमा देऊन चिडवू नये. असे करताना आपणच त्या प्राण्यासारखे दिसतो.

Do not insult players by addressing them as a donkey, monkey or any other animal. You will look like one if you do.

22. स्वच्छतागृह स्वच्छ ठेवावे. स्वच्छतागृहातून घाण येते याची तक्रार खपवून घेतली जाणार नाही.

Keep the restrooms clean. Do not complain about foul odour from restrooms.

23. समोर नाचत असलेल्या चीयर लीडर्स जरी “मस्तानी” असल्या तरी आपण “बाजीराव” नाही. म्हणून कृपया सामना खाली बसून बघावा.

The cheerleaders are as attractive as Mastani, but you are not Bajirao. Therefore, please be seated during the match.

24. वरील सुचना ह्या चेष्टेचा विषय नव्हे ह्याची नोंद घ्यावी, ह्याची चेष्टा करणार्‍या प्रेक्षकांना संपुर्ण सामना संपोस्तोवर अंधार्‍या खोलीत बळजबरीने बसवुन ठेवले जाईल.

Please note that the above rules are not to be taken lightly. If you are caught poking fun at them, you will be kept in solitary confinement in a dark cell till the end of the tournament.

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***ह्या पाट्या आहेत त्या’आयपीएल-पुणे संघाच्या कार्यालयातल्या” ….

Signboards outside the IPL Pune team office :


१. फक्त दिवसाचे सामने खेळले जातील, त्यातही दुपारी १-३ असा विश्रांतीचा वेळ राखुन ठेवावा लागेल.

All matches will be played only during the day. Also, keep in mind that 1 p.m.-3 p.m. is our afternoon nap time and this will not be compromised at any cost.

२. रात्रीच्या सामन्याचा चार्ज वेगळा पडेल, कुठल्याही परिस्थीत रात्री ८ वाजता सामना संपवण्याची जबाबदारी आयोजकांची राहिल, सवड मिळाल्यास उरलेला सामना दुसर्‍या दिवशी खेळता येईल.

Matches played during the night will be charged extra. It will be the organizers’ responsibility to end the match by 8 p.m. The rest of the match may be played out the next day, at the sole discretion of the team management.

३. सोमवारी सुट्टी घेतली जाईल.

Monday will be a holiday.

4. सर्व लोकांना जाहीर निवेदन देण्यात येते की “आयपीएल-पुणे संघ ( पुण्याचा अभिमान, महाराष्ट्राची शान ) ” ही आमचा पुर्णपणे स्वतंत्र संघ असुन “मुंबई इंडियन्स, महाराष्ट्र” ह्या संघाशी आमचा कसलाही संबंध नाही. त्या संघाशी केलेल्या व्यवहाराची जबाबदारी केवळ तो मराठी आहे ह्या कारणाने घेतली जाणार नाही. तसेच त्या संघाच्याविषयी आमच्याकडे कसलीच चौकशी करु नये.

We hereby declare that ‘IPL Pune team’ has no affiliation to ‘Mumbai Indians’. Any transactions done with Mumbai Indians will not be honoured by us just because they are Marathi too. Likewise, do not inquire about Mumbai Indians here.

5. हा क्रिकेटचा संघ आहे. उगाच गाण्याच्या स्पर्धा, नाचकामाचे कार्यक्रम, पाणपोईचे उद्घाटन, नव्या दुकानाची चित्रफीत कापणे ह्या आणि अशाच इतर कामांसाठी खेळाडुंची चौकशी अथवा मागणी करु नये.

Please note that this is a cricket team. Do not needlessly make inquiries or demands for our players to make appearances at singing competitions, water-fountain inaugurations, ribbon-cutting ceremonies or other similar activities.

6. क्रिकेट हा एक खेळ आहे ह्याचे भान ठेवावे, आम्ही मॅचफिक्सींग करत नसल्याने जिंकण्याची कसलीच गॅरेंटी देता येणार नाही.

Please note that cricket is a sport. Since we do not fix matches, there is no guarantee that we will win.

7. देणग्या मागणारे, गौरवनिधी सामने आयोजीत करणारे, सर्व्हे करणारे, फुकटात जाहीरातीसाठी कार्यक्रमाला हजरी लावण्याची विनंती करण्याची शिष्ठमंडळे आदी तत्सम व्यक्ती किंवा संस्था ह्यांना सक्त प्रवेश बंदी आहे, ह्यात कोणत्याही कारणास्तव बदल होणार नाही.

Donation seekers, benefit-match organizers, survey-takers or representatives of any organization seeking ‘free passes’ for publicity and similar persons or entities are strictly prohibited. No concessions shall be made on this policy for any reason.

8. आमचे प्रतिस्पर्धी संघ कमी किमतीत खेळत असल्याच्या बढाया आमच्यासमोर मानु नये. आमचे इथे क्वालिटीला प्राधान्य असल्याने कमी किमतीत सामना खेळवण्याचा विचार केला जाणार नाही.

We are aware that competing IPL teams play for a lower price — you do not have to inform us. Such teams know what their performance is worth. Quality is of utmost importance to us, so we will not consider lowering our price.

9. आपण आमच्या खेळाबद्दल समाधानी असताल तर इतरांना सांगा, नसाल तर योग्य आणि सभ्य शब्दात आम्हाला सांगा, योग्य दखल घेतली जाईल.

If you are satisfied with the team’s performance, kindly let us know. If not, write to us in civil language. We shall look into it.

10. आमचेकडे शाळकरी संघांना ट्रेनिंग दिले जात नाही

We do not train school teams.

11. आमच्याशी ठरलेल्या करारानुसार सामना झाल्यावर आमच्याकडुन सदिच्छा म्हणुन खेळाडुंचे टी-शर्ट्स, ट्रॅक सुट्स, टोप्या, बॅटी, चेंडु अथवा तत्सम कुठलेही किमती सामान भेट मिळणार नाही. उगाच हावरटपणा करु नये.

Under the terms and conditions agreed upon, you will not receive any t-shirts, track pants, caps, bats, balls, etc. as memorabilia after the tournament. Do not display your obscene greed here. Tantrums won’t work.

Team jersey : (saffron)

Main sponsor : Chitale Bandhu Mithaiwale. Other sponsors : Joshi vadewale (we don’t have any branches elsewhere) and Sahara parivar. Note : Do not contact us for any any further logos on the T-shirt. Excessive advertising can distract players.

Link via Sujay P.