War in Lanka ending.

After news reports that the Sri Lankan army was within 8 sq. km., 4 sq. km., 3.8 sq. km. and 800 metres of Prabhakaran, an elated Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa today announced that the army was just 1 sq. metre away from Prabhakaran. When reporters pointed out that it did not make sense and wondered why he still wasn’t captured, he replied, “We are very concerned about civilians and want to clear the area before capturing him”.

He ended the press conference with “We are very close to winning the war“, and is now just 3 statements away from the world record for this line. The record is currently held by George W. Bush; who is still confused why it doesn’t play on his gramophone.

In India, this news has enraged a helpless DMK which has threatened to pull out of the government, strange since they are no longer a part of the government. When this was brought to his notice, Karunanidhi snapped back with, “Then I’ll pull out support from my government in Tamil Nadu”. In a show of immediate solidarity, he also joined the LTTE Fan Club on Facebook and poked Manmohan Singh for not interfering in the war.

J. Jayalalitha was unavailable for comment; she had food in her mouth.

Noted columnist Cho Ramaswamy stated again, “There is no sympathy for the LTTE in Tamil Nadu”. In fact, if for every time he said this he lost a hair, that would explain why he is bald.

Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari, who was contacted for no apparent reason as it does not concern him, reacted quickly at this latest development and immediately called Obama to convey that Prabhakaran was in fact in Swat Valley and that he would need some more pocket money, drones and a date with Sarah Palin pronto.

Meanwhile, in an unrelated news, fans of Lost, who have pretty much lost it with all the time-travels and paradoxes, are quite convinced that Prabhakaran is Jacob after all. They are hoping Prabhakaran will be caught in the season finale coming up in two weeks.

Disclaimer : None of this stuff has happened, atleast until now.

Dudes of the week.

It is a tie this week (since I do not have the resources to resolve conflicts the Indian democratic way, SMS polls) :

The first being Wajid Shamsul Hasan, Pakistan’s High Commissioner to the UK :

“You must first give credit to Pakistani intelligence and law enforcement agencies for unearthing so many people who have been conspiring against various countries and planning terrorist activities.”

Ahem.

The second of the first is Congress spokesperson Abhishek Singhvi :

“Give Bharat Ratna to Bush. I don’t know what the rules are but I will officially do something.”

Sure. And maybe Padma Shri to the shoe.

Farewell to Bush.

This is an emotional moment for any person who appreciated good humour. We all know we might not get it in the same proportions from the new president. So while the whole world is celebrating the inauguration of President Obama, I would prefer to reminisce about those good ol’ times with some Bushisms : 

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.” —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

“”Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?” –Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

and my favourite :

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

Forget about India’s Obama, we are still waiting for our George Bush which is a shame given our politics. The only serious contenders I can think of are the Left parties, which is quite ironical in itself. Has anyone told them this yet ?

Iraqi Journalist Hurls Shoes at Bush.

A video of the incident :

For once, I don’t think it was funny. After years of facing criticism for the Iraq war, I am sure President Bush will remember this as the one defining moment of the Iraq war. And it can lay all doubts to rest whether the Iraqis would “greet the Americans as liberators“.

The Iraqi journalist shouted in Arabic: “This is a gift from the Iraqis; this is the farewell kiss, you dog!” He then threw a shoe at Mr. Bush, who ducked and narrowly avoided it.

As stunned security agents and guards, officials and journalists watched, Mr. Zaidi then threw his other shoe, shouting in Arabic, “This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq!” That shoe also narrowly missed Mr. Bush as Prime Minister Maliki stuck a hand in front of the president’s face to help shield him.

Bush managed to downplay the incident with some humour :

“All I can report is it is a size 10,” he said, continuing to take questions and noting the apologies. He also called the incident a sign of democracy, saying, “That’s what people do in a free society, draw attention to themselves,”

Well, I am sure he is damn excited about finally having restored democracy in Iraq, the proof him being called a dog and the shoe thrown. After all, democracy is about speaking the truth.

P.S. : It is no longer nice being a dog anymore ! First, the Kerala Chief Minister’s remark and now this.

A dog’s tale.

While India is still trying to overcome the above crisis, President elect Barack Obama is already facing one :

(that too just days after he somehow figured out some congratulatory messages like :
Prime Minister Gordon Brown : This is a moment that will live in history as long as history books are written. 
George W. Bush : Laura and I called to congratulate you and your good bride.)

That of selecting a dog that he promised his daughters ! The would-be First Dog of the White House. (Google for “Obama dog” to see the hysteria surrounding it !)

Not surprisingly, all this publicity and attention that Obama’s not-yet-finalized dog has received, hasn’t gone too well with George W. Bush’s pet dog Barney, the ‘incumbent’ First Dog. And in a strong message to the media, it bit a reporter .. seriously !!!!! Link : Do watch this link to see the reporter proudly show off the bite !

President elect Barack Obama.

The long wait is over. Sen. Barack Obama is the President elect of the USA. Not just another victory, but a victory where he rethought and thereby redefined everything on the way : the groundwork, campaigning, fund raising, speaking, planning. Politics in America can no longer be the same.

As a side note, the campaign also taught us plenty :

As Son of Bosey states, millions of people all over the world and thousands of clueless Indians are delighted with Obama’s win (true for many in the USA too).

Indians expect more from the President of USA than we do from our own Prime Minister.

In India, we will be have to put up with hundred articles on every remote association that Barack Obama has with India/Indians.

Oxford has decided to retire the word ‘maverick’ from English forever.

Plumbers have gone underground out of shame.

Ditto for Joe’s.

Miss South Carolina is glad she is smarter than someone.

Russia has gone back to its original lcoation, and can no longer be seen from Alaska. And Africa is back to being a continent.

Tina Fey, late night comedians and Fox news are looking out for alternate occupations.

Deserving tribute to George W. Bush

Believe it or not, the citizens of San Francisco are gathering signatures to rename the city’s largest sewage treatment facilities after George W. Bush, as “a fitting monument to the President’s work”.

The official renaming ceremony would take place in January, when the next President is sworn in. Part of it would include a “synchronized flush”, described as a way to send a gift to the renamed plant.

Fitting tribute indeed.

I cannot help but wonder if something like this could be tried in India too. Any comments ?

Link Courtesy : Nikhil