My review of a Taran Adarsh review.

First things first. Taran Adarsh is an idiot. And I am being nice to him. Now that we’re on the same page, the guy recently reviewed My Name Is Khan. He presumably saw it at a special screening. Here is the review. Let’s dissect it a bit.

1. It starts with Taran Adarsh giving the movie 5 1/2 stars. Five and a half frikkin’ stars ! How stupid is the guy to not know that reviews are understood to vote out of 5 stars. Even if he meant five stars, does he think the movie is so perfect with absolutely zero flaws ? OK don’t answer that. Given his competence, it might just turn out to be true.

2.

My Name Is Khan makes two strong statements…

The first: BC and AD are designations used to label years in the Julian and Gregorian calendars. There’s a third designation now — 9/11.

You can see that he wants to start off big, because this movie is special. So he does a Bobilli. The analogy he selects : BC, AD and 9/11. Go figure. Oh, and he reads Wikipedia.

I’m sure he has something ready for every major release of SRK, Aamir or Amitabh. It’s a simple algorithm really. Say he is reviewing 3 Idiots. It starts off with : Retard and stupid are designations used to label under-performing students. There’s a third designation now — idiot.

3.

Post September 11, the world stands divided. Terrorist outfits continue to strike in the name of religion and the common man, not even remotely associated with these groups, is bearing the brunt. The world is not a safe place anymore.

Right. Because before 9/11, Taran could hop around merrily all over the world without any concern.

4.

The second statement: There’re two sets of people in this world – the good and the bad. No matter how strong the evil forces are, good always triumphs.

What are you, two ?

5.

Karan Johar’s cinema got more real from Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna onwards.

Please explain how ? If KANK was so real, either he is cheating on his wife, or his wife is. I hope it’s his wife. No one deserves Taran.

6.

In My Name is Khan, the storyteller attempts to make a social statement and succeeds completely. At the same time, it takes no sides.

Hmm .. I wonder how ‘the storyteller’ ‘succeeds completely’ without ‘taking any sides’. So what exactly has he succeeded at ? Making you drool over the movie ?

7.

Karan’s take on the issue deserves the highest praise, since a subject like this is difficult to attempt. Final word? My Name Is Khan is Karan, SRK and Kajol’s best outing to date. Do I need to add anything?

Yes. The reasons.

8.

Let me alert you. The story unfolds feverishly from the very start itself. So if you miss a scene or two, chances are you would’ve missed some vital links in the story. The fact is that there’s too much happening in the first half.

Something tells me Taran did actually miss those vital links. Else how would he know ? No ?

9.

My Name Is Khan’s strength lies in the fact that you root for Khan all through. At the same time, you are weighed down when he’s in a vulnerable situation, especially when he’s labelled a terrorist and thrown behind bars. You don’t realise it, but the fact is that you, as a spectator, have already got entwined in Rizvan and Mandira’s lives.

Wherever he writes ‘you’, he actually means ‘I’.

10.

SRK, well, how does one describe his performance? To state that this is his best work so far would be cutting short the praise he truly deserves. In fact, no amount of praise can do sufficient justice to his portrayal of Rizvan Khan.

Well, then STFU !

11.

The only compliment that I can think of is that SRK has a new screen-name now. Raj is passe, Rizvan it is.

THAT’S your ‘no amount can do sufficient justice’ compliment ? Really ? And I’m not even sure if I understood it.

12.

Kajol is pure dynamite and casting her for this character was the most appropriate decision. No other actress could’ve matched SRK in histrionics the way Kajol has.

Read Kajol has hammed almost as much as SRK.

13.

My Name Is Khan is a fascinating love story, has an angle of religion and a world-shaking incident as a backdrop.

Well I’m glad you liked it a lot. Now can you put it back in your pants ? Thank you.

Disclaimer : I have not seen My Name Is Khan. It is possible that every statement of Taran Adarsh is true. But when he make huge statements about every other big-budget movie, he is bound to be right atleast once.

Good news for Sids.

Karan Johar has announced a free screening of Wake Up Sid for every individual named Siddharth, and they get a +1 too. If there are any Siddharth readers here, cheers !

It’s a publicity thing, like Aamir went around town shaving people’s heads, and I didn’t really expect any further explanation. But KJ obliges anyway :

Wake Up Sid is all about Siddarth becoming Sid and I think we owe that much to them.

No you don’t. If anything, you owe something to Raj Thackeray and his goons who metaphorically sodomized you, even though they aren’t gay to the best of my knowledge.

The director Ayan Mukherjee says :

“I think it’s a great idea by Karan. When I was growing up Raj and Rahul were the names of guys around that age. However Siddarth is an old traditional name, but it is also new at the same time. It’s a cool name and a cool idea.”

Did that again just make sense ? Or is it just Monday morning blues ?

Wake Up Sid – a review.

I finally caught Wake Up Sid and here’s what I thought of it.

The theme is coming of age, and while it seems cliched, I cannot think of many Hindi movies with a similar theme, save Lakshya. Just a heads up, Lakshya is still the best film carrying this theme.

The plot has Sid, an affable rich kid – the reason I don’t call him a spoilt brat is because he isn’t called Monty, Vicky or Rocky. He is a nice guy, who by no fault of his, is rich and is as mature as someone like him should be.

Then there’s Aisha, who is very reminiscent of a similar character again played by Konkana Sen Sharma in Luck By Chance. She is an antipode to Sid, and never really gets past seeing him as a kid until the end, where she realizes she is the heroine, needs to get together with Sid and has just 15 mins. (of movie time) to do that.

Before I give any other ideas (I suspect the review might get harsh further down), let me summarize that Wake Up Sid is a nice one-time watch, and you shouldn’t miss it just for Ranbir Kapoor. Don’t expect a Luck By Chance or Lakshya or Ranbir doing a full monty, and you’ll have a good time.

Back to the movie, the plot is quite linear without deploying any twists and is as simple as the lead character Sid. But there were a few things I couldn’t digest.

Ranbir Kapoor is outstanding; he gets under the skin of the character perfectly and exudes the right amount of innocence. He keeps the performance so understated and real that I almost felt like yelling, “Dude, ham it up !! You’re in a freakin’ Bollywood movie !”.

But the performance, ironically, works against the story, because Sid seems so genuinely nice that his side of the romance never really blooms. When he runs down to meet Aisha in last scene near those wave-breakers in Bombay and says, “I love you”, I swear I was expecting a “Didi” after that. Technically, it is a shortcoming in the script.

Iktara, the superb little gem from Amit Trivedi, is used very effectively, and I am glad it wasn’t wasted. But I couldn’t control my laughter when the slow male version in Punjabi begins. A KJ movie without a single utterance of Soniye, Aavanga, Javanga, Mainu and Tenu is a rarity, and I’m guessing they took their chances with this song as the lead character’s last name is Mehra (Punjabi). But someone please explain why a song in Punjabi !

Here’s the thing – when a background singer sings some lyrics, the characters should atleast understand what the poor guy is singing.

In the acting department, Konkana Sen Sharma is okay, Anupam Kher is thankfully restrained, Supriya Pathak contributes to some sweet moments and Namit Das, of The President is Coming, gets a good shot which I hope translates to more roles in the future.

Lastly, the music doesn’t come across as noteworthy (sparing the obvious Iktara). As mentioned in the music review, I hope SEL reinvent themselves and move out of their comfort zone.

Overall, I like the way Ranbir Kapoor is progressing as an actor. I always thought he was good with that rare quality of screen presence. He was very fine in Saawariya (that reminds me, I liked the movie), never bothered to complete Bachna Ae Haseeno and the promos of Ajab Prem Ki Gajab Kahani seem very interesting.

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Please share your thoughts (and defend yourself) if you are among the ones who thought Wake Up Sid was a great movie.

Learn to reject.

Amit V. puts the SRK-questioned-tauba-tauba outcry in perspective :

There is a theory that all this is a publicity stunt for Shah Rukh’s forthcoming film, My Name is Khan, which is supposedly about racial profiling. I find it hard to believe that he can get US authorities to cooperate with him on a publicity stunt, so that’s a bit beyond the pale. But it is entirely possible that after the incident happened, he decided to milk it in the media. But that’s the game, and I wouldn’t blame him for that. I’d blame the media for making such a fuss about it.

I couldn’t agree more.

I am not a fan of SRK. Both he and I know that he acts badly. In the odd movie like Swades or Kabhi Haa Kabhi Naa, both in my all time favourites, he is exceptional, but just by his standards. But upfront, I’d like to decouple his acting or genre of movies from this incident.

If true that he milked the incident this time around, he is opportunistic but rational. Like everyone else. I just find it incredibly hard to believe that he needs publicity. He is so big a star that a channel interviewing him gets publicity, if at all possible. I did not find him angry in his reactions, and he has been trying to downplay the incident ever since it took on epic proportions. We must credit him for that. I’d be surprised if he mentions this incident in every promotion of My Name Is Khan.

I also agree when he says, “I don’t think that I need publicity”. Terribly pompous, narcissistic or arrogant, you decide. True, yes.

Everyone has taken their sides, mostly by self-selection, the criteria being whether you love SRK or hate him (there usually is no third option). Amidst all this, few have questioned the validity of this debate.

Because it’s not about SRK here.

As a viewer or reader of the news, I find myself helplessly pulled into such issues that I really don’t care about. As a country, we might be the only one where viewers need to learn to reject news. We don’t have leftist, centrist or rightist news channels, we have everyone delivering the same news. In the U.S., if you thought Obama’s comment that “the police officer acted stupidly in the HenryLouis-gate controversy” was justified, all you had to do was switch to MSNBC where a daily aarti of Obama is performed. Or sit glued to Fox News and struggle with your kid’s elementary math.

In India, you have no such choice. Till the next big news comes along, you have to be a part of it all. If you are lucky, you’ll end up ranting at your blog or in a debate with friends. If not, you’ll be outraged and find yourself pelting stones at some public property.

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Let me go ahead and say that I don’t give a damn if ex-President A.P.J. Abdul Kalam was frisked either. I still consider him a great icon, but it should not mean that I express an outrage over the incident. That dude didn’t have a problem, WTF are you doing on the street ??

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If I have one piece of advice for Indians, don’t accept every news. Learn to reject.

Of Taran Adarsh.

That film ‘critic’ Taran Adarsh is not the wisest man to inhabit this earth is well known (yeah the same guy who gave Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna 4 1/2 stars).

Taran’s unabashed love for Shahrukh Khan/Karan Johar movies (which I can only hope hasn’t crossed the platonic lines) has been constant fodder for the intellectual audiences and reviewers at Passion For Cinema. He has been the object of such ridicule that a few days prior to the release of the latest Shahrukh Khan starrer Rab Na Bana Di Jodi, a fake review of the movie by him surfaced on the internet, filled with ‘Taran Adarsh cliches’.

I always thought people were at times too harsh on him for being a Bollywood fanboy. It was fine that he did not have an exposure to non-Bollywood or what some people call good cinema, but he betters himself while reviewing Slumdog Millionaire :

and how towards the end they meet again, they unite and this guy, he also goes on to win the jackpot.

Okay I can live with this, Slumdog Millionaire wasn’t a suspense thriller anyway. But this :

Films like these don’t really get made every day with international names like David Boyle, which are still desi at heart. Well I think David and his writer Simon Beaufoy are basically big Bollywood fans … (note the fanboyish expression here) ….  

I am envious that he is close enough to the director to refer to him on a first name basis, but after all the hype and the countless articles about the movie, the least I would expect him to know is that the director is Danny Boyle.

P.S. : More Slumdog news, the Oscar ceremony is tipped to open with a live performance of Jai Ho by A.R. Rahman and Sukhwinder Singh.

Finally back to normal !

Prologue : No one can possibly see humour at such a time. This post is obviously black humour.

While everyone was watching the tales of horror unfold on the Indian news channels (not to be confused with news channels that report news), many of us were wondering if this was the same India where bombs referred to the small noisy crackers we lit during Diwali and rarely after cricket matches, school going kids never sure if ‘terrorist’ contained 1 ‘r’ or  2 ‘r’s and glasses shattered only by stray cricket balls accompanied by the yelling of a grumpy old man. But apart from these, we always identified India with small innocent memories like politicians bickering, callousness of the leaders, apathy of the people and that precious feeling of “To hell with India”.

Which is why the recent attacks were doubly disturbing. They not only destoyed the fabric of a city, they annihilated the spirit of an entire nation. I could see leaders uniting (for a day), netizens actually using the word ‘India’ in their status messages, e-mails and petitions not for some lame turtles but for real citizens, people coming up with solutions for their problems and worst still, wasting time discussing about the country despite the fact that Amitabh Bachchan has a severely upset psychological condition at this very moment. How insensitive, no ?

This was not the India I knew, and I could not identify with this India.

But thankfully, we have once again proven that you cannot destroy the great democracy that is India with a single attack. Such is the power of this great country. It has not even taken us a few days to completely get to normal. Take that you @#!@#@@ (random number of alphanumeric characters here, don’t bother applying your excellent ‘explitivory’, which is NOT an English word so don’t come crying, skills) terrorists.

I proudly present the top 10 signs that India has returned back to normal.

10. We are receiving news that Dhoni has skipped his B.Com. exam paper, I presume because he is the skipper.

9. Shiv Sena bans Pakistani players and artists, not realizing that they have already done so 10,23,234 times before.

8. We are reminded that Ram Gopal Varma still exists and is threatening to make another movie (and you thought the terrorists could make you forget about RGV and his Aag).

7. BJP re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-iterates its demand for tougher terror laws. Oxford has offered them a free copy of their dictionary which specially includes the phrase ‘suicide squads’.

6. President Pratibha Patil has arrived in Mumbai hoping her skills with seances (communicating with spirits) can aid investigation.

5. India is awaiting Pakistan’s response on its ’20 Most wanted list’.

4. Maharashtra home minister plays down the incident in Mumbai plagiarizing a line from DDLJ (an untoward incident like this can happen in such a big city like Mumbai), and on severe reactions blames it on his bad Hindi.

3. There is a demand for ‘sacred site’ status to the Ram Setu.

2. Shiv Sena demands President’s rule in Maharashtra, realizing after one whole year that she is in fact a  Maharashtrian.

and the topmost fact that gives me the most confidence about the normal state of affairs ..

1. Mahesh Bhatt is back to talking random things about random topics.

But I must admit, the recent terror attacks have left us with one difference; something that I did not expect in my wildest dreams to change, Karan Johar’s orientation. He is now talking about bashing up politicians. Efforts are on to bring him back to consciousness by forceful screenings of Dostana.

Disclaimer : If you still haven’t guessed it, nothing mentioned above is true. I am not even sure if the above mentioned people actually exist. In fact, I am not even sure if I exist.

Credits : Aag review by Greatbong, Top 10 list inspired by the Late Show with David Letterman.

Fashion.

I seriously wonder how everyone who reviewed Fashion missed out the most ridicuous fact, that it is racist !

The lead character is happily drinking, merrily smoking tobacco and dope, gaily sleeping with the only non-gay men provided in the script. But why does her world have to come crashing down when she wakes up next to a black guy !! How racist is that ! (or is it his way of saying that India’s moment in the world has arrived. With the US being led by a black guy and clearly brown > black, we are the supreme masters of the world.)

With heavyweights like Madhur Bhandarkar, Priyanka Chopra (yeah she is fat and if you don’t believe me, I still wouldn’t recommend the movie) Kangana Ranaut (Please do something about her accent ! It ruins all her acting !), you would expect a decent movie.

It would have been damn good if it wasn’t boring, cliched, full of forced emotional sequences (exactly the kind that would amount to blasphemy in a Karan Johar movie), inexplicable behaviour by the characters and a few other flaws.

P.S. : Even with all its acerbity, the last sentence was not plagiarized from a Khalid Mohammad review.