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This is the last Shoaib-Sania post. Much of the drama will end soon, now what Shoaib has signed his divorce papers — implicitly admitting his first marriage, while proving his idiocy if his story of internet-romancing-the-wrong-girl is true. Just for the record, the girl is equally responsible.

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Arnab Goswami is what you get when you cross journalism and law. He poses as a news anchor on Times Now, but he is a law in his own right. He comes across as chubby and teddy bear-like, but every once in a while, he gives a look that can cause a meltdown of the most hardened criminals :

You don’t want to be doing anything wrong (for instance, talking) when he gives you the glare.

Any guest that manages to get more than 10 seconds of talk-time on his show is considered to be a success. When Suhel Seth appears on his show, everyone hopes and prays that the earth does not implode. Unlike conventional judges, his judgment does not wait for the end of the program. His shows usually begin with his judgment; panelists and debaters are merely incidental in his universe.

He recently took on the Shoaib-Sania saga in a segment with a befitting title Who is speaking the truth? Here’s why you must watch the entire episode :

1. Arnab tries to speak chaste Urdu (it includes challenging words like gunjaish) while not for a moment, letting go of his acute sense of judgment.

2. He admonishes Shoaib Malik’s cousin for not letting Ayesha’s mother speak. The irony.

3. His final judgment :

I can only say this at the very end. And I am saying this to both sides. Whatever the background, whatever the history, let this matter just be settled and let it be fair for all — including Ayesha, who seems to have gone through a lot.

and his parting words to an emotional Ayesha’s mother :

I think eventually, justice will prevail.

One can pin down the root cause of everything that is wrong with the world today : Not heeding to Arnab.

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Raj T. is late to the party, but makes a fitting entry :

“We are not concerned with whom Sania Mirza marries, but it is definitely a matter of concern if she marries a Pakistani.”

The way this statement doesn’t make sense — it is almost art.

Today, in a moment of epiphany, I realized this :

Raj Thackeray would make a terrible batsman.

Why, you ask ?

Because he would go after anything outside the off stump.

P.S. : Too much politics and cricket leads to such ideas.

I don’t understand how a same event can lead to such contrasting news :

MNS green flag for a Marathi film, Jhenda

Marathi movie ‘Zenda’ leaves MNS activists miffed

It is about a Marathi movie Jhenda based on the Thackeray family feud and the circumstances leading to and after the formation of Raj Thackeray’s MNS. The movie is produced by Avadhoot Gupte — well known for his songs and his limited adjective vocabulary on Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Marathi.

My interest in the movie is purely academic. I placed a bet with a friend that the MNS and/or the Shiv Sena would protest against the movie and disrupt screenings. I hope I lose, but I also want to win.

As they say, age does not a wise person make.

Sachin Tendulkar had famously said a couple of days back that Mumbai is for all Indians (or was it a Mumbai Indians pun ?). Bal Thackeray goes for the easy bait :

“There was no need for him to take a cheeky single by making such remarks,” Sena mouthpiece Sammana quoted Thackeray as saying.

“By making these remarks, you have got run-out on the pitch of Marathi psyche. You were not even born when the ‘Marathi Manoos’ got Mumbai and 105 Marathi people sacrificed their lives to get Mumbai,” he said.

Anyone wants to take a guess who got run-out here ? You have one chance.

All the Sena had to do was keep quiet about the issue — didn’t 50 years of the Congress teach everyone this one small thing ?

It also says :

Thackeray expressed displeasure that Sachin “left the crease” and moved to the pitch of politics by making these remarks which have hurt Marathi sentiment.

If an average person should not talk about politics, who do you think votes leaders into power ? As much as this attitude irks me, I cannot help but admire how politicians want the average person to stay away from politics, except of course during elections.

And now an open letter to all kinds of Sainiks :

Listen up Sainiks, and I mean to say this in the sweetest way possible – You don’t mess with Tendulkar. You go around hitting everyone in Mumbai, but you don’t mess with Tendulkar. You comply (allegedly) with rioters, but you don’t mess with Tendulkar. You dig up pitches, but you don’t mess with Tendulkar. You do all the nonsense in the world, but you DON’T mess with Tendulkar.

A minor statistic – you have around 5 million voters. The guy has a billion die-hard fans — and that’s only just Indians.

So if it comes down to choosing between you and Tendulkar for Maharashtrians, you stand as much a chance as Warne stands with Tendulkar. As irrational as it sounds, it is true.

So what did you get — you don’t mess with Tendulkar.

Yours sincerely,

P.S. : Oh and you also don’t mess with the BCCI. Recall the last person who messed with them and isn’t messed up now.

This post on the MNS is much lighter.

Do have a quick glance at the 4 MLAs’ profiles who were suspended.

One dug up the cricket pitch when Pakistan was visiting, one wears 2 kgs of gold on himself and one is a “childhood friend of Rahul Mahajan”.

Heh. It’s almost like MNS handpicked its MLAs like the Ocean’s thirteen.

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I came across this video of Ramesh Wanjale, the one who wears 2 kgs of gold jewellery, thanks to Pushkar S.

Translating for non-Marathi audience : The guy wants to pursue a Ph.D. When asked in what, he replies, Saint Tukaram. The reporter rightly points out that he is a dropout from school, to which the reply is that he plans to start studying seriously from now on — 12th, B.A., M.A. and then Ph.D.

Now that he’s suspended, he’ll get ample of time for studying.

Watch from 4:45.

To be fair, the guy amply knows what he is talking about — I just loved his nonchalant answer that he wants to pursue a Ph.D.

May I recommend PhD Comics to him ?

I don’t have anything new to say about the MNS MLAs attacking a colleague in the Maharashtra assembly and their subsequent suspension, but I think it is unfair on the people of the 4 constituencies who now will have no representation in the State assembly. If people are still bothered about such trivialities, the least they should do is hold their legislators responsible for their unruly conduct.

On the language issue that is the root cause here, I don’t think I should be speaking. Although I consider myself a Maharashtrian (definition here), my views of the MNS have often been misconstrued as the views of an ‘outsider’. As for myself, I can pass off as a Maharashtrian easier than some Marathi friends of mine, but that isn’t pertinent here.

I have come to believe that the only ones speaking or discussing the issue of MNS should be the Marathi people. Far too much noise is made by others for someone to pause and ask a Marathi person about his say in the matter.

Trust me, you’ll see some alarming results. I have come across individuals (in the U.S., ironically) who explicitly or implicitly support the MNS. You’d think that someone who studied at Stanford (purely used as a metric of education, extent of global awareness, ubiquitous ideologies and lack of friends from other universities) would know enough to disagree with the MNS, but I’ve seen exceptions.

When the mainstream media makes this much noise, they are only helping a Marathi person feel more marginalized, thereby aligning him further with the MNS ideology. We don’t really want to know that the MNS MLAs’ kids study in English medium schools. We don’t want the opinions of Mulayam Singh and Lalu Prasad Yadav whenever the MNS raises its head. The average Marathi person needs to hear moderate and liberal views coming from Marathi people, and therein lies the biggest problem — lack of Marathi voices against the MNS ideology. This could imply 2 things :

– the average Marathi person supports the MNS, which is quite rational if you ask me. Why would you not support — or why would you speak out against — someone who claims to be fighting for you ? Heck, tomorrow if there is a TamBram superhero who goes around beating up non-Tamils, I might not speak out against him (Of course, I will. That’s just an example).

– the average Marathi person doesn’t care.

In both these cases, the clout of the MNS will only grow, because you need individuals who disagree with the MNS to halt their march. This needs more Marathi voices to be heard on public forums, blogs, Twitter, Facebook and GTalk status messages. The Marathi voice is silent there.

In a sense, the Marathi person faces the same situation an average Muslim faces in India. You cannot just sit at home and criticize your ilk — we, and it pains me to say so, need to hear your opinion aloud.

Karan Johar has announced a free screening of Wake Up Sid for every individual named Siddharth, and they get a +1 too. If there are any Siddharth readers here, cheers !

It’s a publicity thing, like Aamir went around town shaving people’s heads, and I didn’t really expect any further explanation. But KJ obliges anyway :

Wake Up Sid is all about Siddarth becoming Sid and I think we owe that much to them.

No you don’t. If anything, you owe something to Raj Thackeray and his goons who metaphorically sodomized you, even though they aren’t gay to the best of my knowledge.

The director Ayan Mukherjee says :

“I think it’s a great idea by Karan. When I was growing up Raj and Rahul were the names of guys around that age. However Siddarth is an old traditional name, but it is also new at the same time. It’s a cool name and a cool idea.”

Did that again just make sense ? Or is it just Monday morning blues ?

I came across this interview of the Thackeray cousins by Rajdeep Sardesai, filmed separately of course.

Rajdeep Sardesai queries Uddhav Thackeray in English, Uddhav replies in Hindi.

Rajdeep Sardesai questions Raj Thackeray in Hindi, Raj replies in Marathi.

They sure have the whole concept of language messed up, no ?

But I shouldn’t bother, as long as they speak any language without coercing others. As far as language is concerned, I was debating over the issue of our national language with a friend and I mentioned language should be considered as a means of communication and nothing more. That would get rid of a lot of problems.

Imagine if the Neanderthal man got all worked up about preserving his language and culture, this post would look like “aaaa .. eooe .. uuu .. bbaaa“. Good luck decoding that.

P.S. : The interview in itself though, has nothing to talk about, just typical stuff. But you may check it out.

Raj Thackeray is married to Sharmila Thackeray and he ate to his heart’s content on his first night.

Sanjay Dutt has been married twice and both his first nights were spent repenting.

Sheetal had a hard time on her first night as it was her first time.

Mr. Ahuja just sulked around.

If you still haven’t guessed, I am referring to the first nights of these people in lockups, which the media has so faithfully reported. As we all know, everyone’s first night in a lock-up is a momentous occasion, like the first kiss or the first time you dream about missing your exams by a minute.

So I invite readers to share the most intimate details of their first night. The closest I ever got was once when I almost made it to a lockup, but things didn’t go too well and we were let off.

On the subject of not taking too nicely to defeat, Bal Thackeray has something to say :

Upset over the poor show of the Shiv Sena-BJP alliance in traditional strongholds of Mumbai and Thane, Sena chief Bal Thackeray on Monday said the ‘Marathi manoos’ should explain reasons for not voting for the party.

Firstly, I too am annoyed at the ‘Marathi manoos‘. Not voting for the Sena is not only disrespectful to the party that originally beat up migrants, it is also disrespectful to the millions of shards of glass windows from McDonald and Pizza Hut outlets, apart from a few thousand cards that were respectfully cremated by them. And we all know our culture teaches us to respect the deceased.

But yes, I am annoyed at the Shiv Sena for blaming the ‘Marathi manoos‘. The statement directly challenges the intelligence of the voter. Are they suggesting the voter doesn’t have the sense to see for himself who beat up more people before deciding whom to vote for ? I would be quite annoyed if I were the voter.

The statement also adds : 

The Marathi voter, who strayed away from the Sena, should explain to us why he did so and what harm had Shiv Sena done to him, Thackeray said.

I think leaders are answerable to the people and not vice versa, but of course, I have been wrong sometimes.

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