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I finally got down to watching Blue, the most-expensive Bollywood movie ever. Most of the reviews have been negative and the audience hasn’t exactly loved this movie.
Which, I frankly, don’t get.
Because this movie is so absofreakinglylute awefreakinlysome and mindfreakinglyblowing that I can’t remember the last movie I enjoyed this much (okay, maybe it was Karzzzzz). You get where this is going, right ?
The actors are going to sweep the Oscars (if the cleaning guys there are fired). The script is going to be preserved in archives for generations. Having already won an Oscar, Rahman’s been there, done that. Watch out for him at the Razzies though.
Without blading you further, let’s jump right into the golden moments that make Blue what it is.
1. Sanjay Dutt, while distributing gyaan about diving (because he is the most super duper awesome diver ever), says,
Diving ke teen golden rules hain
Ek .. Saans kabhi mat rokna.
(translated as)
There are three golden rules of diving.
One .. don’t stop breathing.
Great advice, except for one teeny tiny fact – That is true everywhere.
2. Katrina Kaif is on her first date with Zyed Khan (which reinforces the claim by some that she is indeed stupid). She offers him some assignment that would pay $50,000.
KK : Tum in paison ka kya karoge. (What will you do with this money ?)
ZK (with a cunningly sweet smile) : Hamari future plan karoonga. (I’ll plan our future)
KK : Abhi 12 ghante bhi nahi hue hume mile, already future plan kar rahe ho ? (It’s been hardly 12 hours since we met !)
ZK : Main to pichle 12 ghanton se plan kar raha hoon. Bas tumhare haan ki deri hai. (I’ve already been planning it for the last 12 hours. I’m just waiting for a yes from you.)
KK (shyly,coyly, embarrassingly smiling) : Har baat kehna jaroori nahi hai. (It is not necessary to explicitly say everything.)
You just freaking met him !!!
Here, the right thing to do is pause the movie, enter a sound-proof closet .. and laugh.
3. The guy who credited Katrina Kaif is this movie was out on a social cause, methinks. She has about 20 seconds (okay maybe 57 secs) in the entire movie. Add that she is neither hot, nor cold .. just about at room temperature.
4. The movie attained the rare distinction of having Zyed Khan, Lara Dutta, Rahul Dev and Sanjay Dutt in one frame.
What do you do when you see them in one frame ?
You freakin’ get a pen and paper and take down acting notes !
5. Little Sanjay Dutt (umm .. no double-meaning meant) is diving with his dad, when his dad is stuck under a steel beam and has no chance of surviving. His expressions are a combination of frantically waving and instructing little Sanjay Dutt to head back, lest he exhaust his oxygen.
This is construed by little Sanjay Dutt as, quote, “Aur unhonen mujhe kasam di ke main us khazane ke baare mein kisi se na kahoon” (and he asked me to never ever reveal about the treasure to anyone).
6. What are the sharks doing in the movie ?
They don’t attack anyone, they don’t bother anyone, they don’t even make any noise, they basically do nothing in the entire movie !
Unless it is a metaphor for the Congress, someone please enlighten me what they were doing in the movie.
7. This one’s just for Sanjay Dutt :
Dude, when the bad guy is down on the ground (courtesy a superb punch by you), and is lying next to gun, it’s really okay if you don’t complete the monologue assigned to you.
No, really. That’s okay.
8. This one’s by @alltalk :
Q : Whose acting is the best in Blue ?
A : The sharks.
I rest my case.
Conclusion : Don’t miss this awesome movie. Movies like this come once in a lifetime, as your chances of survival after watching them are bleak.
If you have been annoyed with those multi-starrer comedies full of crass/below the belt/homosexual/infidelity jokes, you need to watch this one.
No theme whatsoever, wafer-thin plot, but it just works after the first 20 mins. The assumption here is that you enjoy PJs – the movie is full of them. After a long time, I laughed as hard, so I strongly recommend this movie.
Just to play spoil sport, it’s not a great movie, it’s just entertaining – that’s what that matters if you think about it. Music-wise, there might be one decent song; acting-wise – Ajay Devgan and Sanjay Dutt are decent, Fardeen Khan is torture, Mugdha Godse needs to work on her accent, and Bipasha – I am still coming to terms with the fact that so many people find her attractive. On the contrary, the side characters do pretty well.
Raj Thackeray is married to Sharmila Thackeray and he ate to his heart’s content on his first night.
Sanjay Dutt has been married twice and both his first nights were spent repenting.
Sheetal had a hard time on her first night as it was her first time.
Mr. Ahuja just sulked around.
If you still haven’t guessed, I am referring to the first nights of these people in lockups, which the media has so faithfully reported. As we all know, everyone’s first night in a lock-up is a momentous occasion, like the first kiss or the first time you dream about missing your exams by a minute.
So I invite readers to share the most intimate details of their first night. The closest I ever got was once when I almost made it to a lockup, but things didn’t go too well and we were let off.
Election time has ensured that WTF quotes fly all around. Check out these.
1. IBNLive invites Ujjwal Nikam and Abbas Kazmi (prosecution and defense respectively of Ajmal Kasab) for a chat :
CNN-IBN: Mr Kazmi, the accusation is not just of delaying but also Kasab saying he was under 18 years of age despite prosecution documents pointing to the contrary.
Abbas Kazmi: It is clear with the way he is behaving that he is a juvenile [WTF Alert 1]
CNN-IBN: Mr Kazmi, no juvenile goes around shooting people. He is a terrorist. Give him a fair trial but cooperate with prosecution and get this case wrapped up in time. [WTF Alert 2]
While on IBNLive, did you know that Rajdeep Sardesai and Barkha Dutt were recipients of the Padma Shri last year ? Somehow bloggers let this news be.
2. Good sense and politics still evades Sanjay Dutt :
Sanjay Dutt : During the rally in Pratapgarh, Dutt allegedly said he “will give ‘jaadu ki jhappi and pappi’ (magical hug and kiss) to the chief minister and BSP supremo Mayawati”.
(Dream sequence) Mayawati : Zeher hai ke pyaar hai tera chumma.
3. Karunanidhi on LTTE supremo Prabhakaran :
“Is Prabhakaran a terrorist? No, I don’t see it that way. Prabhakaran is my good friend. I am not a terrorist. I will deeply regret it if Prabhakaran is killed. I will regret it. I will say it happened because of a lack of unity among the Tamil groups in Sri Lanka. Some people in Prabhakaran’s group might be involved in terrorism. But that is not Prabhakaran’s fault.”
Yeah last heard innocent Prabhakaran was sucking on a lollipop and riding around on his tricycle. Sitting behind was an unknown kid with dark glasses for unexplained reasons.
4. Hema Malini while campaigning for BJP :
Vote for BJP, ye Basanti ki izzat ki sawal hai: Hema
Using transitivity between Chance pe Dance and Dance pe Vote, the post could be renamed Chance pe Vote too. But that is not the point, as there is no point. Or line. Okay stop.
We all know that Mallika Sarabhai is going to take on Shri. L. K. Advani in Gandhinagar. I went through L.K. Advani’s website and I am pretty sure Shri is his first name now; what a cool use of renaming, no ? (pssst .. I also hear he plans to rename the Babri Masjid to Babri Masjid Mandir so that the right-wing organizations are happy they got a mandir at that exact spot). Ok I am digressing from the main point, which doesn’t exist anyway so let’s just digress further. So how do you campaign in your constituency when all you know is dance ? Mallika Sarabhai provides the answer :
This week, the dusty hamlet on the outskirts of Ahmedabad will come alive when Darpana’s troupe descends on it for a live performance of Bhavai, and a play titled ‘Sapna’. These are not commercial projects, but constitute a part of the election campaign of Sarabhai, who is contesting as an independent candidate from Gandhinagar.
I am quite impressed. Instead of everyone speaking the the language of the netas, candidates should campaign doing what they are good at.
So Shatrughan Sinha, Chiranjeevi and Dharmendra should be allowed to beat up their rivals. Sanjay Dutt .. I am not sure what Sanjay Dutt is good at, but if the age-old saying “Practice makes a man perfect” (incidentally, many of our present leaders were alive and kicking (each other .. like in the parliament ?) when it was coined and actually voted for it over “Perfect makes a man practice”) still holds true, he could go to jail again (if you understood the previous sentence without having to go back and read any bits, you did not understand it).
But wait .. Sanjay Dutt has already been replaced by Nafisa Ali. She has every right to scare away rivals through bad acting. Incidentally, she is also known for the statement “I will be an asset to Lucknow“, which exponentially boosted Rahi Sawant’s confidence in winning a Lok Sabha seat, “I will be two assets to any constituency !!!”. The same holds true for Jaya Prada. The bad acting I mean.
The only candidate who could legally distribute cash for votes is Meera Sanyal. She is the CEO of ABN Amro you see.
But god forbid Salman Khan from contesting. If you are a duck or a pavement dweller (or Aishwarya Rai for that matter), you do not want to be around when he is campaigning.
Disclaimer : Read Disclaimer.
Just to confirm that this election is the baap of all action :
Varun Gandhi : If somebody lifts a hand against Hindus, or thinks they are weak, there is nobody behind them, then I swear on the (Bhagvad) Gita that I will cut off that hand.
Lalu Prasad Yadav : If I were the country’s home minister, and if Varun had said this (inflammatory speeches), then I would have run a roller over his chest, and thought about the consequences later.
D Srinivas : I am ready to sacrifice my head. I will not let anyone raise fingers on anyone from minority community. I will severe hands of those who point a finger at minorities.
For once, going by the dismal record of politicians fulfilling poll promises, all the above targets can breathe safely; although in an election involving Sanjay Dutt, Dharmendra, Gaptain Vijayganth, Shatrughan Sinha and Chiranjeevi, it is ironic that all the 80′s style dialogues are being delivered by others.
I am not good at photoshopping so please imagine the Mahatma's sandals instead of Shilpa Shetty here.
Vijay Mallya has done it ! He has scripted the most unimaginable ending in the never ending saga of the most futile debate ever, by successfully bidding for Mahatma Gandhi’s items at a staggering cost of $1.8 million (with a reserve price of around $30,000) proving once again to critics that his stint with the Bangalore Royal Challengers wasn’t his only nonsensical deal. In the process, he outbid the Indian government’s bidder as also the Indian American group headed by Sant Singh Chatwal.
This follows his great tradition of buying items and gifting them to the Indian government, the previous being Tipu Sultan’s sword which was allegedly snatched by a 10 year old kid in a brawl with Sanjay Khan during the shooting of his epic TV series after which the shooting had to be called off because ironically, the series was named The Sword of Tipu Sultan.
Vijay Mallya was ecstatic for some time after the successful bid before an employee pointed out that the Mahatma was against alcohol and his birthday was the biggest cause of losses for Kingfisher, the second being the Bangalore Royal Challengers, at which he gave out an audibly loud cry of anger and frustration .. for buying the Banglore Royal Challengers.
Meanwhile, the original owner James Otis was happy that the items were going back to where they belonged, but unhappy that he couldn’t make the Indian government agree to his conditions for returning them back to India without holding an auction :
The first condition is that the Indian government must agrees to increase it’s Budget spending on health care for the poor and the second condition is to provide financial support and the good offices of Indian embassies to support educational events that use Gandhi items to promote Gandhian non-violent resistance in 78 countries around the world. He has mentioned about 78 countries around the world which is one for each of the number of years Gandhiji lived.
It is learnt that while the government agreed to the above two, his third condition was the cause of disagreement. He wanted Sanjay Dutt, the lead actor of Lage Raho Munnabhai, to shift to America and teach Gandhigiri to school children. Sanjay Dutt was obviously excited considering America’s record of school children possessing guns, but he had to back out when learnt that his exit from Indian politics would take the Congress percent of convicted people contesting elections below 40%, which would debar them from the elections according to election commission rules.
In this whole episode, probably the only person who did not make any sense to me personally was the Secretary of Sabarmati Ashram, Amrut Modi. He said and I quote :
“Gandhi is a universal personality. It does not matter where his articles are. It should be seen as a normal thin”.
When the Mahatma was contacted by news reporters (yeah the Indian media can reach anywhere, from hundred feet deep pits to dead people) and asked the customary “How are you feeling ? “, he just said two words before returning to oblivion, “Hey Ram !”, which will henceforth be officially considered as his last words.
Image Courtesy : Oneindia.com
Disclaimer : None of the above mentioned incidents are true, in case you already did not get it.
