My review of a Taran Adarsh review.

First things first. Taran Adarsh is an idiot. And I am being nice to him. Now that we’re on the same page, the guy recently reviewed My Name Is Khan. He presumably saw it at a special screening. Here is the review. Let’s dissect it a bit.

1. It starts with Taran Adarsh giving the movie 5 1/2 stars. Five and a half frikkin’ stars ! How stupid is the guy to not know that reviews are understood to vote out of 5 stars. Even if he meant five stars, does he think the movie is so perfect with absolutely zero flaws ? OK don’t answer that. Given his competence, it might just turn out to be true.

2.

My Name Is Khan makes two strong statements…

The first: BC and AD are designations used to label years in the Julian and Gregorian calendars. There’s a third designation now — 9/11.

You can see that he wants to start off big, because this movie is special. So he does a Bobilli. The analogy he selects : BC, AD and 9/11. Go figure. Oh, and he reads Wikipedia.

I’m sure he has something ready for every major release of SRK, Aamir or Amitabh. It’s a simple algorithm really. Say he is reviewing 3 Idiots. It starts off with : Retard and stupid are designations used to label under-performing students. There’s a third designation now — idiot.

3.

Post September 11, the world stands divided. Terrorist outfits continue to strike in the name of religion and the common man, not even remotely associated with these groups, is bearing the brunt. The world is not a safe place anymore.

Right. Because before 9/11, Taran could hop around merrily all over the world without any concern.

4.

The second statement: There’re two sets of people in this world – the good and the bad. No matter how strong the evil forces are, good always triumphs.

What are you, two ?

5.

Karan Johar’s cinema got more real from Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna onwards.

Please explain how ? If KANK was so real, either he is cheating on his wife, or his wife is. I hope it’s his wife. No one deserves Taran.

6.

In My Name is Khan, the storyteller attempts to make a social statement and succeeds completely. At the same time, it takes no sides.

Hmm .. I wonder how ‘the storyteller’ ‘succeeds completely’ without ‘taking any sides’. So what exactly has he succeeded at ? Making you drool over the movie ?

7.

Karan’s take on the issue deserves the highest praise, since a subject like this is difficult to attempt. Final word? My Name Is Khan is Karan, SRK and Kajol’s best outing to date. Do I need to add anything?

Yes. The reasons.

8.

Let me alert you. The story unfolds feverishly from the very start itself. So if you miss a scene or two, chances are you would’ve missed some vital links in the story. The fact is that there’s too much happening in the first half.

Something tells me Taran did actually miss those vital links. Else how would he know ? No ?

9.

My Name Is Khan’s strength lies in the fact that you root for Khan all through. At the same time, you are weighed down when he’s in a vulnerable situation, especially when he’s labelled a terrorist and thrown behind bars. You don’t realise it, but the fact is that you, as a spectator, have already got entwined in Rizvan and Mandira’s lives.

Wherever he writes ‘you’, he actually means ‘I’.

10.

SRK, well, how does one describe his performance? To state that this is his best work so far would be cutting short the praise he truly deserves. In fact, no amount of praise can do sufficient justice to his portrayal of Rizvan Khan.

Well, then STFU !

11.

The only compliment that I can think of is that SRK has a new screen-name now. Raj is passe, Rizvan it is.

THAT’S your ‘no amount can do sufficient justice’ compliment ? Really ? And I’m not even sure if I understood it.

12.

Kajol is pure dynamite and casting her for this character was the most appropriate decision. No other actress could’ve matched SRK in histrionics the way Kajol has.

Read Kajol has hammed almost as much as SRK.

13.

My Name Is Khan is a fascinating love story, has an angle of religion and a world-shaking incident as a backdrop.

Well I’m glad you liked it a lot. Now can you put it back in your pants ? Thank you.

Disclaimer : I have not seen My Name Is Khan. It is possible that every statement of Taran Adarsh is true. But when he make huge statements about every other big-budget movie, he is bound to be right atleast once.

The critics-filmwalahs nexus.

Before you trust the movie review by a film critic in the future, I strongly recommend reading this post by Khalid Mohamed at the Passion For Cinema blog :

Today,  the attempt (and a successful one, too) is to control and lead on the reviewers.  Trade, non-trade, whatever. Indeed, there could be more names on the chopping block of reviewers at this very moment. Just an angry phone call from a producer, director or star to an editor, complaining about the treatment received by his film, is enough to set off an earthquake in the hallowed portals of a media office. Repeatedly the reviewer is chastened:Tone the review down if you can’t praise it, and if that’s not done, thank you, someone else will edit it for you. Have a nice day.

The gist is this : movie reviews are not always unbiased. With hindsight, this seems very plausible — such obscene money rides on big releases that no one can afford bad reviews. The opening weekend is when all money is recovered. A single bad review from a front-line news-source can set production houses back by a few crores.

So invites to film premiers follow — only to those who are more likely to give the movie a thumbs up, special concessions are given — interviews with stars as the release nears — and a tight hold via the editor on what is written completes the circle. Hence, it should not be a surprise that “film critics” Taran Adarsh and Komal Nahata pour stars over SRK and Aamir movies; a Rajeev Masand who seems largely credible, has his off-moments like Jodha Akbar for which he gave 4 stars; a Raja Sen (of Rediff) has been erratic of late. I am not alleging a conspiracy; I’m just saying it is entirely plausible. I don’t allege that reviewers are corrupt; reviews might be, under influence of higher bosses.

Looking back, I wonder if that’s the case with Paa. When all critics are overlooking basic flaws and giving it a thumbs up, rest assured the audience is going to love it. I do not mean to demean the audience, but very few are capable of — and see a need to — analyzing every movie independently.

On a related note, according to a recent law in the U.S., product reviewers are to make public all gifts (free items, seed products, etc.) that they receive from companies. This is only fair when you are influencing the monetary choices of a large number of people.

Thinking further, I doubt if such a law would work for film reviews — an interview with SRK is far more valuable and acceptable to a television channel than hard cash or gifts. The only solution is word-of-mouth. Spread the word if a movie is good; do the same if a hyped movie is bad. That just makes it a level-playing field.

****

Regular readers might recollect an old post about Sohail Khan calling for no movie reviews until the Monday after the opening weekend. As I had mentioned then, the suggestion is ridiculous and a clear way to con the audience. Don’t fall for such gimmicks or think twice before you go entering a cinema hall trusting a review.

I, as always, will try to be unbiased.

Of Taran Adarsh.

That film ‘critic’ Taran Adarsh is not the wisest man to inhabit this earth is well known (yeah the same guy who gave Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna 4 1/2 stars).

Taran’s unabashed love for Shahrukh Khan/Karan Johar movies (which I can only hope hasn’t crossed the platonic lines) has been constant fodder for the intellectual audiences and reviewers at Passion For Cinema. He has been the object of such ridicule that a few days prior to the release of the latest Shahrukh Khan starrer Rab Na Bana Di Jodi, a fake review of the movie by him surfaced on the internet, filled with ‘Taran Adarsh cliches’.

I always thought people were at times too harsh on him for being a Bollywood fanboy. It was fine that he did not have an exposure to non-Bollywood or what some people call good cinema, but he betters himself while reviewing Slumdog Millionaire :

and how towards the end they meet again, they unite and this guy, he also goes on to win the jackpot.

Okay I can live with this, Slumdog Millionaire wasn’t a suspense thriller anyway. But this :

Films like these don’t really get made every day with international names like David Boyle, which are still desi at heart. Well I think David and his writer Simon Beaufoy are basically big Bollywood fans … (note the fanboyish expression here) ….  

I am envious that he is close enough to the director to refer to him on a first name basis, but after all the hype and the countless articles about the movie, the least I would expect him to know is that the director is Danny Boyle.

P.S. : More Slumdog news, the Oscar ceremony is tipped to open with a live performance of Jai Ho by A.R. Rahman and Sukhwinder Singh.