After news reports that the Sri Lankan army was within 8 sq. km., 4 sq. km., 3.8 sq. km. and 800 metres of Prabhakaran, an elated Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa today announced that the army was just 1 sq. metre away from Prabhakaran. When reporters pointed out that it did not make sense and wondered why he still wasn’t captured, he replied, “We are very concerned about civilians and want to clear the area before capturing him”.

He ended the press conference with “We are very close to winning the war“, and is now just 3 statements away from the world record for this line. The record is currently held by George W. Bush; who is still confused why it doesn’t play on his gramophone.

In India, this news has enraged a helpless DMK which has threatened to pull out of the government, strange since they are no longer a part of the government. When this was brought to his notice, Karunanidhi snapped back with, “Then I’ll pull out support from my government in Tamil Nadu”. In a show of immediate solidarity, he also joined the LTTE Fan Club on Facebook and poked Manmohan Singh for not interfering in the war.

J. Jayalalitha was unavailable for comment; she had food in her mouth.

Noted columnist Cho Ramaswamy stated again, “There is no sympathy for the LTTE in Tamil Nadu”. In fact, if for every time he said this he lost a hair, that would explain why he is bald.

Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari, who was contacted for no apparent reason as it does not concern him, reacted quickly at this latest development and immediately called Obama to convey that Prabhakaran was in fact in Swat Valley and that he would need some more pocket money, drones and a date with Sarah Palin pronto.

Meanwhile, in an unrelated news, fans of Lost, who have pretty much lost it with all the time-travels and paradoxes, are quite convinced that Prabhakaran is Jacob after all. They are hoping Prabhakaran will be caught in the season finale coming up in two weeks.

Disclaimer : None of this stuff has happened, atleast until now.