First things first. Taran Adarsh is an idiot. And I am being nice to him. Now that we’re on the same page, the guy recently reviewed My Name Is Khan. He presumably saw it at a special screening. Here is the review. Let’s dissect it a bit.

1. It starts with Taran Adarsh giving the movie 5 1/2 stars. Five and a half frikkin’ stars ! How stupid is the guy to not know that reviews are understood to vote out of 5 stars. Even if he meant five stars, does he think the movie is so perfect with absolutely zero flaws ? OK don’t answer that. Given his competence, it might just turn out to be true.

2.

My Name Is Khan makes two strong statements…

The first: BC and AD are designations used to label years in the Julian and Gregorian calendars. There’s a third designation now — 9/11.

You can see that he wants to start off big, because this movie is special. So he does a Bobilli. The analogy he selects : BC, AD and 9/11. Go figure. Oh, and he reads Wikipedia.

I’m sure he has something ready for every major release of SRK, Aamir or Amitabh. It’s a simple algorithm really. Say he is reviewing 3 Idiots. It starts off with : Retard and stupid are designations used to label under-performing students. There’s a third designation now — idiot.

3.

Post September 11, the world stands divided. Terrorist outfits continue to strike in the name of religion and the common man, not even remotely associated with these groups, is bearing the brunt. The world is not a safe place anymore.

Right. Because before 9/11, Taran could hop around merrily all over the world without any concern.

4.

The second statement: There’re two sets of people in this world – the good and the bad. No matter how strong the evil forces are, good always triumphs.

What are you, two ?

5.

Karan Johar’s cinema got more real from Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna onwards.

Please explain how ? If KANK was so real, either he is cheating on his wife, or his wife is. I hope it’s his wife. No one deserves Taran.

6.

In My Name is Khan, the storyteller attempts to make a social statement and succeeds completely. At the same time, it takes no sides.

Hmm .. I wonder how ‘the storyteller’ ‘succeeds completely’ without ‘taking any sides’. So what exactly has he succeeded at ? Making you drool over the movie ?

7.

Karan’s take on the issue deserves the highest praise, since a subject like this is difficult to attempt. Final word? My Name Is Khan is Karan, SRK and Kajol’s best outing to date. Do I need to add anything?

Yes. The reasons.

8.

Let me alert you. The story unfolds feverishly from the very start itself. So if you miss a scene or two, chances are you would’ve missed some vital links in the story. The fact is that there’s too much happening in the first half.

Something tells me Taran did actually miss those vital links. Else how would he know ? No ?

9.

My Name Is Khan’s strength lies in the fact that you root for Khan all through. At the same time, you are weighed down when he’s in a vulnerable situation, especially when he’s labelled a terrorist and thrown behind bars. You don’t realise it, but the fact is that you, as a spectator, have already got entwined in Rizvan and Mandira’s lives.

Wherever he writes ‘you’, he actually means ‘I’.

10.

SRK, well, how does one describe his performance? To state that this is his best work so far would be cutting short the praise he truly deserves. In fact, no amount of praise can do sufficient justice to his portrayal of Rizvan Khan.

Well, then STFU !

11.

The only compliment that I can think of is that SRK has a new screen-name now. Raj is passe, Rizvan it is.

THAT’S your ‘no amount can do sufficient justice’ compliment ? Really ? And I’m not even sure if I understood it.

12.

Kajol is pure dynamite and casting her for this character was the most appropriate decision. No other actress could’ve matched SRK in histrionics the way Kajol has.

Read Kajol has hammed almost as much as SRK.

13.

My Name Is Khan is a fascinating love story, has an angle of religion and a world-shaking incident as a backdrop.

Well I’m glad you liked it a lot. Now can you put it back in your pants ? Thank you.

Disclaimer : I have not seen My Name Is Khan. It is possible that every statement of Taran Adarsh is true. But when he make huge statements about every other big-budget movie, he is bound to be right atleast once.