First Uddhav, then Raj, both agree that migrants are the cause of malaria in Mumbai. Their logic is flawless, but not everyone of us can be so effortless in our fundamentalism. Through this guide, I want to bring fundamentalism to the masses: the Kulkarnis, the Deshpandes, the Aptes, whose limit of fundamentalism starts and ends with hating Northies in engineering colleges.

Here’s the truth: Every problem can be traced back to migrants. If it cannot be traced back, you’re missing a link somewhere. For instance, let’s assume Raj’s son Tingya scores fewer marks in his exams. The proof is thus:

He scored fewer marks because he plays a lot with kids in his neighbourhood. There isn’t a decent playground in entire Mumbai. Because most land has been illegally occupied by migrants.

Thank you. Saw what I did there? Playing has nothing to do with playgrounds, but they seem logical in adjacent sentences. This technique is also called as a High Ground Maneuver. It works best in speeches. The proof needs to be simple, elegant and not more than 3 degrees of separation away from migrants — else you’re just rambling on. One more example: Say someone has proved with the help of a study that the inflow of migrants has reduced drastically over the last couple of years. Proof:

The inflow of migrants has reduced because now there aren’t any more migrants to migrate.