Rakesh Kumar, the new censor board CEO, gave an interview today that ranged from What is he smoking? to Is this guy for real? Real he is and he’ll soon be hard at work protecting us from perverted filmmakers such as Anurag Kashyap and Vishal Bharadwaj.

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First day on the job. This feels great! After being transferred around endlessly for rail accidents that were not my fault, this job will be a definite change of pace. I get paid to kick back and relax and watch movies all day long. Plus I get to judge them. Whatay win!

There’s much to accomplish in the coming months. I have a feeling people will appreciate my legacy. Some people will be pissed off but hey, even Gandhi had haters.

Oh, new e-mail from subordinate. It just says, “I Found this on YouTube!”. Must be some lewd filmmaker trying to get around the censor board by releasing his film on YouTube. What he doesn’t know is that the censor applies to all videos made or released in India. Note to self: Send notice to YouTube to get all their videos reviewed by us.

Time to do some censoring!

*cracks fingers, hits play.*

Alright, this is starting with an old guy. So far, so good. Note to self: Too many movies about old guys falling in love with teen girls and vice versa. Gotta crack down on those.

Water suggestively splashing on his face. Why is the water white? Ah, I get it! This has to be a money shot! THERE’S C-U-M SPLASHING ON HIS FACE! THAT TOO IN THE FIRST SCENE! In our times, even pornos had better story lines. Ah, Sholay! Good porno, great acting. Anyway, this scene definitely needs to be cut.

Old man keeps fondling something in the air. It’s gotta be a suggestive gesture for fingering someone! Note to self: Showing the middle finger in movies needs to be illegal. It’s basically a fingering technique! I know it because my wife used it on me once. Must admit it felt good.

Is he groping someone or something? We’ll never know. What we do know is this scene is definitely being cut.

He’s definitely grabbing imaginary boobs. I saw both his hands grab imaginary boobs. You can’t fool me! CUT!

This movie which I can only imagine is a porno has *horrible* music. Also, why are they using music that clearly sounds Indian? Are they trying to overlay Indian music on this to make our culture look bad? Note to self: Crack down on explicit representations of our culture. That reminds me, buy a hammer and nail before the next trip to Ajanta. Gotta fix those caves.

Back to the video, this guy is also doing some very explicit gestures with his mouth. Is this how they’re getting around not being able to show oral sex on screen these days?!?! Disgusting! CUT!

Alright now we’re outdoors with a group of men. If you show an orgy, I’m shutting this film studio down. If you show a gay orgy, I’m shutting the whole internet down!

Okay a fisherman with a really large dildo. Oh wait, that might be an oar. Or is it an oar that’s a metaphor for a dildo? This is getting weird. CUT!

Okay next scene. 3 women and 10 men! On a vehicle. Their vehicle is shaking. This can only mean they’re having S-E-X! ON THE ROAD! IN PUBLIC! CUT!

Now they’re showing the Taj Mahal. Man’s greatest erection for a woman. Haha that joke always cracks me up. Note to self: Do Google search on whether Muslims really have larger penises then Hindus.

The scene, CUT!

A woman in white is now making lewd and suggestive expressions. WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO TURN ME ON?!?! She’s definitely wearing red lipstick. Slut. CUT! Hehe that rhymes.

Now there are camels. What do camels have? Humps. What does humping mean?! THAT’S RIGHT! YOU THINK I WOULDN’T GET THAT  REFERENCE?! CUT!

Two guys doing something very strange while rocking on a rope behind the camels. This is beyond XXX. This is NSFL material. CUT!

Is that a young Ron Jeremy walking on the beach? But the scene looks okay. It can stay.

Another suggestive old people orgy scene. Cut! WHY WOULD THESE MONSTERS DO SUCH SUGGESTIVE THINGS WITH OUR OLD PEOPLE?!?!

*fast forward*

Guy on elephant. Looks alright. Nope, he’s topless. OH NO! CLOSE UP OF TOPESS GUY! That’s illegal. Cut. First time I’ve seeing the closeup of a guy topless. Not as gross as I feared.

*adjusts crotch*

Now some guy very slowly rowing his boat. No, wait! Another sex toy reference. CUT! CUT! CUT!  Why do people put all sorts of weird things in their bodies these days? Note to self: Ban hot dogs in India.

Some people getting off a train with a really satisfied expression on their faces. I’ve sees horrible things in trains but even I don’t want to see what they did inside this train. Cut!

*fast forward*

Finally some fully and colorfully clothed people. Whoa! Whoa! CHILDREN! This is definitely illegal in like 100 countries! I SHOULD CLOSE THIS WINDOW BEFORE COPS COME AFTER ME! ABOBT! ABORT! ABORT!

***

A few minutes later, a YouTube employee gets an e-mail.

“This is the CEO of the Censor Board of India. Please do the needful to remove this video from your site asap: Mile Sur Mera Tumhara.”

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