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Rakesh Kumar, the new censor board CEO, gave an interview today that ranged from What is he smoking? to Is this guy for real? Real he is and he’ll soon be hard at work protecting us from perverted filmmakers such as Anurag Kashyap and Vishal Bharadwaj.

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First day on the job. This feels great! After being transferred around endlessly for rail accidents that were not my fault, this job will be a definite change of pace. I get paid to kick back and relax and watch movies all day long. Plus I get to judge them. Whatay win!

There’s much to accomplish in the coming months. I have a feeling people will appreciate my legacy. Some people will be pissed off but hey, even Gandhi had haters.

Oh, new e-mail from subordinate. It just says, “I Found this on YouTube!”. Must be some lewd filmmaker trying to get around the censor board by releasing his film on YouTube. What he doesn’t know is that the censor applies to all videos made or released in India. Note to self: Send notice to YouTube to get all their videos reviewed by us.

Time to do some censoring!

*cracks fingers, hits play.*

Alright, this is starting with an old guy. So far, so good. Note to self: Too many movies about old guys falling in love with teen girls and vice versa. Gotta crack down on those.

Water suggestively splashing on his face. Why is the water white? Ah, I get it! This has to be a money shot! THERE’S C-U-M SPLASHING ON HIS FACE! THAT TOO IN THE FIRST SCENE! In our times, even pornos had better story lines. Ah, Sholay! Good porno, great acting. Anyway, this scene definitely needs to be cut.

Old man keeps fondling something in the air. It’s gotta be a suggestive gesture for fingering someone! Note to self: Showing the middle finger in movies needs to be illegal. It’s basically a fingering technique! I know it because my wife used it on me once. Must admit it felt good.

Is he groping someone or something? We’ll never know. What we do know is this scene is definitely being cut.

He’s definitely grabbing imaginary boobs. I saw both his hands grab imaginary boobs. You can’t fool me! CUT!

This movie which I can only imagine is a porno has *horrible* music. Also, why are they using music that clearly sounds Indian? Are they trying to overlay Indian music on this to make our culture look bad? Note to self: Crack down on explicit representations of our culture. That reminds me, buy a hammer and nail before the next trip to Ajanta. Gotta fix those caves.

Back to the video, this guy is also doing some very explicit gestures with his mouth. Is this how they’re getting around not being able to show oral sex on screen these days?!?! Disgusting! CUT!

Alright now we’re outdoors with a group of men. If you show an orgy, I’m shutting this film studio down. If you show a gay orgy, I’m shutting the whole internet down!

Okay a fisherman with a really large dildo. Oh wait, that might be an oar. Or is it an oar that’s a metaphor for a dildo? This is getting weird. CUT!

Okay next scene. 3 women and 10 men! On a vehicle. Their vehicle is shaking. This can only mean they’re having S-E-X! ON THE ROAD! IN PUBLIC! CUT!

Now they’re showing the Taj Mahal. Man’s greatest erection for a woman. Haha that joke always cracks me up. Note to self: Do Google search on whether Muslims really have larger penises then Hindus.

The scene, CUT!

A woman in white is now making lewd and suggestive expressions. WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO TURN ME ON?!?! She’s definitely wearing red lipstick. Slut. CUT! Hehe that rhymes.

Now there are camels. What do camels have? Humps. What does humping mean?! THAT’S RIGHT! YOU THINK I WOULDN’T GET THAT  REFERENCE?! CUT!

Two guys doing something very strange while rocking on a rope behind the camels. This is beyond XXX. This is NSFL material. CUT!

Is that a young Ron Jeremy walking on the beach? But the scene looks okay. It can stay.

Another suggestive old people orgy scene. Cut! WHY WOULD THESE MONSTERS DO SUCH SUGGESTIVE THINGS WITH OUR OLD PEOPLE?!?!

*fast forward*

Guy on elephant. Looks alright. Nope, he’s topless. OH NO! CLOSE UP OF TOPESS GUY! That’s illegal. Cut. First time I’ve seeing the closeup of a guy topless. Not as gross as I feared.

*adjusts crotch*

Now some guy very slowly rowing his boat. No, wait! Another sex toy reference. CUT! CUT! CUT!  Why do people put all sorts of weird things in their bodies these days? Note to self: Ban hot dogs in India.

Some people getting off a train with a really satisfied expression on their faces. I’ve sees horrible things in trains but even I don’t want to see what they did inside this train. Cut!

*fast forward*

Finally some fully and colorfully clothed people. Whoa! Whoa! CHILDREN! This is definitely illegal in like 100 countries! I SHOULD CLOSE THIS WINDOW BEFORE COPS COME AFTER ME! ABOBT! ABORT! ABORT!

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A few minutes later, a YouTube employee gets an e-mail.

“This is the CEO of the Censor Board of India. Please do the needful to remove this video from your site asap: Mile Sur Mera Tumhara.”

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Bombay cops busted a gay party yesterday allegedly for being indecent. I didn’t write about it yesterday because details were scant and I’d be speculating. There’s more information now.

Everyone in the party was detained and let off with a fine of Rs. 1200.

“We received complaints of loud music being played late into the night, which prompted our raid,” DCP Pratap Dighavkar said. “There were violations on three counts. Firstly, there was no permission from either the police or the BMC. The disc jockey, Babar, had no permission for playing music and using loudspeakers in a public place. The organizers, Tejas Jogani and Salim Siraj, had arranged for liquor to be served without a permit.”

 The third count was indecent behavior under section 110 of Bombay Police Act which says:

110. Behaving indecently in public. No person shall willfully and indecently expose his person ill any street or public place or within sight of, and in such manner as to be seen from any street or public place, whether from within any house or building or not, or use indecent language or behave indecently or riotously, or in a disorderly manner in a street or place of public resort or in any office station or station house.

 This is broad enough to be applied when you talk back to a hawaldar.

In summary, this looks like raids of rave parties and other parties that cops routinely carry out. The laws that cops cite for these raids and their enforcement are better off not keeping cops busy — no doubt about that — but if you’re looking for evidence that gays were being discriminated against in this case, it’s probably not there.

This goes under Stuff the government does it shouldn’t be doing.

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While CNNIBN’s headline screamed a gay party was busted, the report said actor Bobby Darling was present at the party. That looked strange to me: Bobby Darling is not gay; she’s a woman who felt trapped in a man’s body and underwent a sex change operation.

Yeah, I know my stuff!

Dhoni, Bindra conferred Lt. Colonel rank.

It saves time to have a category Stuff the government does it shouldn’t be doing.

P.S. Who else read the headline and thought Dolly Bindra? Just I? OK.

Air India, deep in debt, plans to buy 111 planes.

You can help by paying your taxes in time, not including deductibles in your returns and patriotic NRIs can transfer money to accounts in India so it is taxed.

[Source]

Unlike private airlines’ employees, who have restricted passages and specific definition of family to include only immediate members such as self, spouse, dependent children and parents, Air India’s definition is far more generous.

According to Air India, an employee’s family, entitled to travel free with him/her, includes: spouse, children, step-children, parents, brothers, sisters, sons-in-law, daughters-in-law and even grandchildren up to 12 years.

The sons-in-law of pilots convey their thanks to you for paying their airfare.

[Source]

Air India is now losing Rs 26 crore everyday with the accumulated loss of over Rs 13,300 crore.

If you wanted a reason to feel better about not paying taxes, there’s one.

Pilots of Air India are on strike:

The pilots are demanding the ouster of Air India Chairman Arvind Jadhav and a fixed pay salary. As of now, they get paid according to the number of hours they fly. But with route cancellations after the Air India-Indian Airlines merger, they claim they get just 60 per cent of their salaries.

I’ll leave it to you to figure out if that is reasonable.

Because their employer is the government, saying that they should be paid only proportionate to their work appears to be in bad taste. But your tax money pays their salary. Consider yourself as their employer.

Now when was the last time you tipped a waiter or a bus driver for more than what he did?

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Imagine if the pilots of a private airline went on strike. The company loses money and reputation each day of the strike. Negotiations will be made soon and work will resume.

Air India has no incentive to negotiate, resume operations, turn a profit or maintain its reputation. It operates for pride, not profit.

I’m filing this under Stuff The Government Does That It Shouldn’t Be Doing.

The coloured version of veteran actor’s 1961 classic Hum Dono has been granted tax exemption in Maharashtra.

I’m not a fan of the high entertainment taxes in Maharashtra, but why is Hum Dono tax exempt?

A review committee saw the film recently, liked it a lot and made it tax-free.

Oh.

Alright.

Link:

Security guard bends down to clean Mayawati’s shoes.

The “personal security guard” also happens to be a Deputy Superintendent of Police. He wasn’t forced to clean her shoes but it still feels distasteful. If he likes to be a servant, so be it — but in his spare time.

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A slogan for Indian tourism that captures our culture and heritage: India — We like going down on others.

It’s the awards season. Not the frivolous film awards, but the frivolous Shris, Padma Shris, Padma Bhushans, Padma Vibhushans and Bharat Ratnas. We should all have a problem with these awards for (leaving the Bharat Ratna):

1. They are a joke.

2. They don’t really mean anything to the public. Amitabh Bachchan – Quick, guess which was the highest award he received. No idea? My point exactly.

3. It is our money that is being wasted to gift awards to these mostly undeserving candidates in a grand ceremony. Do go through this list of Padma Shri awardees. It is far too crowded to mean anything. [I was excited for a moment when I read that Kanti Shah won a Padma Shri this year. But it is some Kranti Shah. So whatever.]

The Bharat Ratna awardees atleast have a substantial body of work to justify their awards (except for Rajiv Gandhi and Indira Gandhi — that was political masturbation). The Bharat Ratna is an exception because it is rarely given, it is not a joke and it means something — but it is still our money that is wasted.

This is also the time of the year when everyone demands a Bharat Ratna for Sachin Tendulkar. Great thought, but I have this to say: If Sachin is given a Bharat Ratna, there is only a 10% chance that he’ll live.

Statistics and hips don’t lie.

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Filed under Stuff The Government Does That It Shouldn’t Be Doing.